Gay Dating: How Body Language Awareness Helps You Meet Guys in Gay Bars.

Dear Mike,

So the other day I’m in a bar hitting on a guy. I’m thinking things are going great when all of a sudden he just kills the conversation and walks away! My best friend said he could see the end coming from the beginning because of the guy’s body language. I called B.S. saying the guy was just a flake. Do you think it’s possible to tell if somebody you just met likes you by looking at his body? And is there such a thing as “gay body language?”

-- Need a better way

Body language is the leak in the faucet of attitudes and emotions. It tells you what guys are thinking and feeling. Because you didn’t know how to interpret your prey’s gestures and movements, you didn’t know how to reverse them. But enough about him, let’s talk about you because here’s a truth you need to absorb: His body language is mostly a reaction to yours. Let’s say the guy you’re hitting on isn’t smiling. You know why? Because…well, before I tell you the surprising answer, let’s pretend you’re part of an experiment Professor Ulf Dimberg conducted with 120 volunteers at Uppsala University in Sweden.

You’re asked to frown when you see pictures of people frowning. You do. You’re asked to smile when you see pictures of people smiling. You do. You’re then asked to frown when you see pictures of people smiling. You can’t. Not without Professor Dimberg first noticing the twitching in your facial muscles. It revealed what a professor at University College, London, calls a “mirror neuron” that makes your brain copy the facial expressions you see.

These and other studies point to an almost immutable law of non-verbal communication: The universal reaction to smiling is smiling back. Whether you smile at a stranger or someone you know, whether you smile at somebody who’s attracted to you or not, they are going to smile back. It may be a fake smile, a quick smile, but they will do it. Which brings us back to your prey. You know why he didn’t smile? Because you didn’t.

“Air in the hands, mother-stickers, this is a f*ck-up!” Ever say something that came out wrong? Your body does it all the time. It’s got a vocabulary of its own and its ‘words’ don’t always match the ones coming out of your mouth. For example, you might say things that telegraph your interest but you might not look in his eyes. Maybe because you’re shy, maybe because you’re intimidated. It doesn’t matter. Your words say, “Come here” but your body says, “Go away.” Since 80% of communication is non-verbal, he probably will.

Try this exercise:

Cross your arms over your chest, do you cross them left over right or right over left? Try it. Now reverse it. If you’re like most people, you had a ‘body stutter’—a hesitation caused when an unconscious movement comes into awareness.

Here’s another:

Raise your arms above your head. Turn to the side and look in the mirror. If you’re like most guys, your arms will be up but not directly above your head. The point: If you’re not aware of what you’re body is doing when you’re reading, thinking and looking in the mirror, imagine how unaware you are about what it’s doing in a stressful situation—like talking to a hottie.

The only way to make sure that you’re body is in sync with your words and intentions is to be aware of your actions, gestures, and expressions. The question is, how? Won’t next week’s column be fun!

Mike Alvear is the author of the first body language guide for gay men, Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language. Available at http://www.mikealvear.com/ebook.